so umm.. im good in disappearing aren't i? IKR! i know right??

so okay hey u lovely unicorns. i love the word unicorns because it reminds me of impossible dream and colors and rainbows and pretty things and girly things.. p/s: i feel like a man! koz i feel so handsome. lol!

semester 1 year 3! hollaa to senior year-not-quite-yet! lol! hmm.. 2 years had been a struggle but one thing for sure.. i wanna get out of this place so bad. i wanna raduate soon and work and have money and buy things i want!

i have a dream of making lotsa money ( i know everyone does) and just get lost in some cities any place unknown. i just couldnt help it that i like adventure so much.

when i say adventure, its not a creepy roller coaster thing koz i hate that. i hate haunted house as well. anything that involves jumping from the hight place, fast moving thing and ghost! im good and i'll pass. lol!

i love waterfalls, jungles, swimming, and see new things. the only thing that gets in the way now is MONEY! and TIME! because im still a student and i need to keep that as my priors.

HOWEVER, my dad! he's awesome. he's willing to fund me for a cheapskate trip to some rural areas in sarawak itself. i barely need rm300 and yes dat includes accommodations and transportations. i believe its a bout the people u know. :DDD thanks dad! love yahh!

life has been different now. i feel like more rational than before ; maybe because im gettin older. im totally standing at very different direction from what i am when i started this blog back in.. when? i cant remember. hahaha.. nyways! the point is.. I AM DIFFERENT in DA SAME WAY.

love lifes? still revolves around. not exciting much. maybe because we've been on and off and its been to long with no directions. yes! love cannot be the only basis for relationship because love fades if u doesnt put some compose and water them everyday! sad to say.

okay cut the crap. the point is.. IM BORED. :)

and uh.. here's some of the picture from my super cheap escapade expedition.. enjoy!!

letting it all out

i realize that, everytime i feel down, i'll talk to my blog. why.? i dunno. i just dun have anybody interested in my story. i thought if i always be there for people, someday, when i need somebody, they will be there for me.. but guess what.. NOT!

its sad to think like this. coz im not sure why. maybe its just me. my insecurity. how can i open up if i feel like people are always judging u. sad...

i feel used. i feel lonly. i feel sad. pathetic. i feel ugly. i feel rejection. i feel sadness. i feel frustration. i feel like i dun deserve all of this feeling. i try hard to be presence to everyone that i know. and what does that got me into. why is it so hard to fit in. am i not worth it LORD.?

i feel alienated. i noe im not smart. i dun study hard stuff like science or engineering or medical or pharmacies.. its just accounting. i noe many people look down on me. i dun get scholarship to study at overseas like the rest of people. im sorry that im so stupid. when i say something, no one's gonna listen kozz.. im just a LOSER.

i noe some ppl will straight away judging me by this post. i dun care okay. u guys are no better. stop bringing me down. stop using me anyhow. just leave me alone. let me live my life peacefully.

i have a lot of friends. and they are wonderful. just that.. i still feel lonly. not sometimes, all the time. i feel like i dun speak their language. i dun have what it takes to be in their league. nobody likes me. people will use me to get to my friend. always happen like everyday happen. fuck and shit!

everything is a lot more easier when i got YOU. but now that u decided not to love me anymore.. i left with nothing.... NOTHING! damn. can i like disappear now.. pppfoff! vanished...

DAMN U LIFE! WHY U HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

out of the blue moon

woahh.... i cant sleepp and i guess i dont have anything to do.. dat is why i update my blog. i keep changing color because... im just bored.. ;)

anyway.. time to be serious. im single now.. and yeah.. still tryna get used to it. the thing is.. i dont know if i should move on or nt coz... everything is left hanging... so yeah... i sucks..

its not easy to forget 4 years relationship. it feels like part of me is gone. ive been dreaming of the day i finally can let go but when it comes.. im so not ready fr it...

i guess love is funny. once u had him u dont want him then u lose him u love him kinda thing. i try to make this as funny as possible ...

truth is.. im hurting inside and nobody noes. i keep asking myself.. WHYYYY???? why me.? after everything we've been through.. i dont deserve this. he is such a jerk... he's gonna pay fr it... i hate him. i wanna kill himmmm. im so pissed...

but then i realize... im just wasting my time hurting myself, my heart, my feelings fr a guy that doesnt even care... and so.. still tryna move on. but i guess now is nt da time...

i'll keep posting. and i wanna do experiment.. how long does it takes fr me to move on.? hahah... till then...

loves,

manda.

haha

since im here. because a friend of mine askin me how to update the template. wow. i even forget my password. haha. heyy. my blog. ntg much in u haa. =) i miss u blog. will try na find the subject fr this blog. soon

:'(

gosh. my eyes hurts. hmph. we all thought that it is just a normal red eye. but when we go n check it. my eye nerve actually burst. doctor still gv me some medication to relieve da blood clot but if it wont melt , i had to do operations. sigh. im so.. suprise... no wonder it hurts like hell. if i complain to my parents, they say im jz being a baby. but see now..! my gosh....

i miss my puppy, may ur soul rest in peace..~~

my puppy died 2 nites ago. i was devastated. for i love him so much. my mom keep on tellin me to gv him away but i juz couldnt. i feel to attached and so bonded to him. sundya afternoon, after got back frm KITA 2010, i directly take a nap. coz i was tired. i didnt see him first. then, my cousin told me that my puppy couldnt stand. i ran outside n saw himm lying in his cage. i try to lift him but his body was too.. i dunno hw to describe. he's crying. he's struggling for life. bubbles comes out from his mouth. he wanted to eat but he couldnt even lift his head up. i try to feed him milk with bottle but he juz cant do anything. i called GUMA if he can help. he came. n he said we need to bring him to da vet. but, its sunday. all da vets were closed. so i plan to do so da next morning. i watch him moving here n there. truggling for life. he's just a baby. i keep on holding him to let him noe dat he's not alone. by 948pm, he seems okay. so, i leave him for a while. to take a shower n eat. while i was in da shower, my bro call me tellin me to go downstairs. PAPI died! oh no. i was holding my tears. i was with him all evening. i regret it so much. i blame myself for leaving him there. dat nite i cry so hard. i even try to comfort myself tellin me that hey, its jz a dog. but.. i juz love him so much. i couldnt go to work da next morning. so i jz stay at home.

i still remember his face until today. how my day r so empty without him. however ,

there were 2 things dat bugging me...

1. how did he suddenly become so sick..??

2. why did i leave him, even for a while..??

hrmm.. i miss him. i really do. i still have his collar, his bottle. he is such a lovely puppy. he likes it when i play with him n he'll sulk if i ignore him. he likes to sit beside me. he loves to play skateboard..!! ohh.. i miss you puppy..!!! i really do.

:'(

love ,

manda

ring a bell

short.simple.sweet.

dats how i described my K.I.T.A 2010 experience. i met few new friends. they're great! da input was great too.

its like smtg we know but we didnt realize.

its very usefull. really need somebody to ring a bell in ma head. everything dat i noe n aware of but i juz dun want to bother.

ok now what's next..? Alpha team training's comin up. wow. im not even in da campus yet. wat if i dun get UNIMAS. wat if i get another offer...? sigh.

i can imagine what will life be after dz. for now im busy working. 2 weeks from now i'll QUIT...!

i hope. i wish. i pray...

- dat i'll b able to face the world outside there for i noe its so much bigger...

- dat i'll b able to keep everthing in place despite all da huzzy buzzy life ahead...

-dat i'll be able to keep in touch with da ppl i love , dat love me , dat i dun really like , dat dun like me... gv me da stregth to forgive n forget..

- and many moreee....

abba father, i believe in u.

love,

manda