ordinary girl on track

letting it all out

2011-11-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

i realize that, everytime i feel down, i'll talk to my blog. why.? i dunno. i just dun have anybody interested in my story. i thought if i always be there for people, someday, when i need somebody, they will be there for me.. but guess what.. NOT!

its sad to think like this. coz im not sure why. maybe its just me. my insecurity. how can i open up if i feel like people are always judging u. sad...

i feel used. i feel lonly. i feel sad. pathetic. i feel ugly. i feel rejection. i feel sadness. i feel frustration. i feel like i dun deserve all of this feeling. i try hard to be presence to everyone that i know. and what does that got me into. why is it so hard to fit in. am i not worth it LORD.?

i feel alienated. i noe im not smart. i dun study hard stuff like science or engineering or medical or pharmacies.. its just accounting. i noe many people look down on me. i dun get scholarship to study at overseas like the rest of people. im sorry that im so stupid. when i say something, no one's gonna listen kozz.. im just a LOSER.

i noe some ppl will straight away judging me by this post. i dun care okay. u guys are no better. stop bringing me down. stop using me anyhow. just leave me alone. let me live my life peacefully.

i have a lot of friends. and they are wonderful. just that.. i still feel lonly. not sometimes, all the time. i feel like i dun speak their language. i dun have what it takes to be in their league. nobody likes me. people will use me to get to my friend. always happen like everyday happen. fuck and shit!

everything is a lot more easier when i got YOU. but now that u decided not to love me anymore.. i left with nothing.... NOTHING! damn. can i like disappear now.. pppfoff! vanished...

DAMN U LIFE! WHY U HAVE TO BE SO HARD?

out of the blue moon

2011-09-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

woahh.... i cant sleepp and i guess i dont have anything to do.. dat is why i update my blog. i keep changing color because... im just bored.. ;)

anyway.. time to be serious. im single now.. and yeah.. still tryna get used to it. the thing is.. i dont know if i should move on or nt coz... everything is left hanging... so yeah... i sucks..

its not easy to forget 4 years relationship. it feels like part of me is gone. ive been dreaming of the day i finally can let go but when it comes.. im so not ready fr it...

i guess love is funny. once u had him u dont want him then u lose him u love him kinda thing. i try to make this as funny as possible ...

truth is.. im hurting inside and nobody noes. i keep asking myself.. WHYYYY???? why me.? after everything we've been through.. i dont deserve this. he is such a jerk... he's gonna pay fr it... i hate him. i wanna kill himmmm. im so pissed...

but then i realize... im just wasting my time hurting myself, my heart, my feelings fr a guy that doesnt even care... and so.. still tryna move on. but i guess now is nt da time...

i'll keep posting. and i wanna do experiment.. how long does it takes fr me to move on.? hahah... till then...

loves,

manda.

haha

2011-03-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

since im here. because a friend of mine askin me how to update the template. wow. i even forget my password. haha. heyy. my blog. ntg much in u haa. =) i miss u blog. will try na find the subject fr this blog. soon

:'(

2010-06-07T05:41:00.000-07:00

gosh. my eyes hurts. hmph. we all thought that it is just a normal red eye. but when we go n check it. my eye nerve actually burst. doctor still gv me some medication to relieve da blood clot but if it wont melt , i had to do operations. sigh. im so.. suprise... no wonder it hurts like hell. if i complain to my parents, they say im jz being a baby. but see now..! my gosh....

i miss my puppy, may ur soul rest in peace..~~

2010-05-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

my puppy died 2 nites ago. i was devastated. for i love him so much. my mom keep on tellin me to gv him away but i juz couldnt. i feel to attached and so bonded to him. sundya afternoon, after got back frm KITA 2010, i directly take a nap. coz i was tired. i didnt see him first. then, my cousin told me that my puppy couldnt stand. i ran outside n saw himm lying in his cage. i try to lift him but his body was too.. i dunno hw to describe. he's crying. he's struggling for life. bubbles comes out from his mouth. he wanted to eat but he couldnt even lift his head up. i try to feed him milk with bottle but he juz cant do anything. i called GUMA if he can help. he came. n he said we need to bring him to da vet. but, its sunday. all da vets were closed. so i plan to do so da next morning. i watch him moving here n there. truggling for life. he's just a baby. i keep on holding him to let him noe dat he's not alone. by 948pm, he seems okay. so, i leave him for a while. to take a shower n eat. while i was in da shower, my bro call me tellin me to go downstairs. PAPI died! oh no. i was holding my tears. i was with him all evening. i regret it so much. i blame myself for leaving him there. dat nite i cry so hard. i even try to comfort myself tellin me that hey, its jz a dog. but.. i juz love him so much. i couldnt go to work da next morning. so i jz stay at home.

i still remember his face until today. how my day r so empty without him. however ,

there were 2 things dat bugging me...

1. how did he suddenly become so sick..??

2. why did i leave him, even for a while..??

hrmm.. i miss him. i really do. i still have his collar, his bottle. he is such a lovely puppy. he likes it when i play with him n he'll sulk if i ignore him. he likes to sit beside me. he loves to play skateboard..!! ohh.. i miss you puppy..!!! i really do.

:'(

love ,

manda

ring a bell

2010-05-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

short.simple.sweet.

dats how i described my K.I.T.A 2010 experience. i met few new friends. they're great! da input was great too.

its like smtg we know but we didnt realize.

its very usefull. really need somebody to ring a bell in ma head. everything dat i noe n aware of but i juz dun want to bother.

ok now what's next..? Alpha team training's comin up. wow. im not even in da campus yet. wat if i dun get UNIMAS. wat if i get another offer...? sigh.

i can imagine what will life be after dz. for now im busy working. 2 weeks from now i'll QUIT...!

i hope. i wish. i pray...

- dat i'll b able to face the world outside there for i noe its so much bigger...

- dat i'll b able to keep everthing in place despite all da huzzy buzzy life ahead...

-dat i'll be able to keep in touch with da ppl i love , dat love me , dat i dun really like , dat dun like me... gv me da stregth to forgive n forget..

- and many moreee....

abba father, i believe in u.

love,

manda

the starter

2010-03-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

im back....!!
wow. wer have i been. matt keep askin when i'll update my blog. hrmm.. i have so much to say but i jz cant describe it with words. im gonna start with my experience during dz lent seasons. few years back, either its lent or easther or christmas or whatever the season is, no difference for me. but this year, i kinda feel like dat im 1 step ahead. i began to understand the whole concepts n yes i believe in it.
but, somehow i feel like im close to GOD, i tend to ran away. i keep makin mistakes over n over again n it does makes me feel bad but i just cant help it. trials after trials come n i jz cant bear with it anymore. whyyyyyyy....?? the more i want to repent, the closer i am to sins.
what is this about...?
hrmm.. 2 weeks left for this season. i hope tmr willl be a better day for me. i really want to live my life as a faithful servant of God though i aint holy. hmph...

hahaha

2009-07-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

hahaha?

yep.. nice tittle huh? hrmm..

i was laughing coz i saw my blog last edited was last january.. 7th january to be exact... n now.. its still 7.. JULY!!! 7 month..? wat? i dun have story to tell? =)

nah..

im jz too bx to update my blog. hrmm.. life has been great..

so many drama goin on lately.. haha.. funny hows things can be so twisted and full of mystery.. sigh..

school?

wow.. we skip class more often.. we make ourself looks bz but reality check.. WE'RE not really.. haha...

ANTONIA VERA IHAN FOX

haha.. yeah.. u.. apuh.. class macam playground dah.. kaki buli dah.. semua org dah tepengaruh.. ganas semua dak nya.. hahaha... hrmm.. dat dude? get over him laa.. he's not worth a penny.. duhh... mls mok tulis gyk pasal smelly guy gyk eh.. hihi..

ya laa... tc n gbu yea..

dats ol for now..

buhbye..

akai dai, tusah nuan wai..

2009-01-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

...."finally you update!! i missed you lah......."..

wow..! all these while i've been searching for sumone dat really care bout me.. i try so hard finding and in the end that i realize dat no one is better than ur friend.. and boy friend too.. nt jz boyfriend.. and God for sure.

christine dior aka dior junior..!
thanks yah..!

i kinda lost myself lately.. i think i've wasted lotsa tymes miggling around and doin ntg.. spend spend spend.. money, time... sigh... for doin things laa.. but most of them are useless.. i dunno how many tymes i realize dat i do ntg but still my lazy butt dunwanna change.. hmph.. last year was not a great year for me though sum of my memories last year was ok..

flash back..
january, i join KAYA 16.. crisis with ma dad.. thank God for HIS power dat HE restore da love between me n my dad and we're ok now.. it was a horrible time since im joining KAYA 16 without my dad's permission.. i was crying till my eyes swollen and no more tears cumin out my precious eyes..

then after kaya.. i met this guy named C@#$#.. he come to me as a nice boy with lotsa probs.. and i decided to wanna help him.. tanpa i noe dat he 'menyalahertikan' aka misunderstood.. he tot i help him bcoz im his gf.. wtf..! he told everyone dat im his gf bt im NNNNOT..! so, i tryna keep myself away from him and he say i am snowbish.. slut.. bitch or watever.. adoh doh... baik salah, jahat pn salah.. i end up dunno wat to do until i ask sumbody what shud i do.. so, i juz ignore him laa.. i feel bad sumtymes but i like him u c.. but juz friend.. loves..?? no way man..

then result spm cumin out... again... i disapoint many ppl especially my parents.. at my old place, i used to haf nickname.. "Amanda A's gal".. coz.. in everything i do.. i'll do my best and i owez get da best.. and i must tell dat spm.. its juz 30 percent of my effort. not meningikan diri bt dats true.. sumtymes i wonder.. where is dat little gal dat go to rural school by boat everyday for 6 damn years and the apple of everybody's eye...??? i've change...!!!! for Worst...!!!!

then matrix..!!!
after thousands of money my parents spend on me.. i end up quitting..! wat a shame amanda..
wish i can write more bt i really feel down ryte nw.. to b continue...

useless, meaningless....

GB me...

all these while

2008-12-28T06:50:00.001-08:00

why santa....??

2008-12-28T06:30:00.000-08:00

wow..

its been a while since i last update my blog.. been very busy lately with stuffs.. and sumtymes, really cant help it.. christmas is olmost over.. and i juz turnin 18th last week.. sigh.. im 18th years ol!! gosh.. sounds very mature though im not..

christmas was ok.. my aunt cm back from jb and so do mycousins.. hmph.. fun fun fun.. we ol spent most of our tyme SHOPING and LOAFING around.. it was fun.. really..

christmas...? well, hepi bday JESUS... i always wonder how does christmas related to santa n ol those wishes come true thingy... its been buggin me since i dunno wen..

until...

my dady say.. remember these phrase...?

hope, faith,love...

well, santa and present is the symbol of hope...

hope that keep us livin.. without food, we can eat for 48 days.. without water, we can live for 48 hours but without hope, we cannot live at ol.. if we lose hope, we'll take the most precious thing that GOD had given us dat is our LIFE..

now, im glad to noe the true meaning of santa and presents and hope.. maybe it means ntg 4 rich ppl but for the poor, it means a lot.. so, santa gv hope to kids especially the less fortunate...

so, dun lose hope.. its the last thing u need when u leave the earth.. seal with faith and love...!!!

till then, chow....

recent days

2008-11-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

holiday baru start.. so now slowly cari things to do during this one month plus.. workin..? lazy laa.. ahakz.. laz thursday wuz lil calvin dior 17th birthday.. it wuz fun n great...! ahakz.. love seeing so many ppl there n they were like very active n crazy.. ahakz... well, its not too late.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALVIN..

then the next day, i went to swinburne to meet christine and gwen.. hihi.. then jumpa jze.. omgosh.. everybody's changing.. feel like yesterday dat we were together but the fact is.. its almost 1 year since we ol together.. wat a reunion.. =)

then we mamam at pizza junction... nymnyum... met GUMA my dear for a while.. huhu.. mish him..

last bt not least.. to cd and gwen.. tqs for da great nite...!! mish u guys... muahmuah...

happily ever after

2008-10-08T00:24:00.001-07:00

met sumone few months back.. he is GUMA.. =) he's the one who shines my days.. life isnt easy without him besides.. though our relationship is kinda like a roller coaster lately but we make it through.. with love and care 4 on another, ntg is imposible.. yah.. life isnt so great lately.. so many things goin on.. and it feels like all the burden are on my shoulder.. GOD bless me.. =)

oRdiNaRy GaL oN tRacK

2008-09-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

oRdiNaRy GaL oN tRacK

i'm amanda. turning 18th dz year. juz started blogging in Blogger.

its ol bout me and my life..

ngee~~

tryna start everything ol over again now.. past is past.. there's no use looking back...

yesterday used to be today, and today used to be tomorrow, and tomorrow is future...

wat really matter is tomorrow... its not how we start.. but how everything turn out to be a great masterpiece.. in the end, satisfication is the best award or present that human receive..

gud luck manda..!

GBU ol..